Your marriage is in trouble-you and your spouse are both unhappy. But there are kids involved and you both feel you should save the marriage. There is hope. This brief guide will help you avoid separation and give you some tried and tested solutions to prevent divorce.
Table of Contents
- 1. Divorce is not the solution
- 2. Learn to love the one you are with
- 3. Change your marriage by changing yourself
- 4. Identify conflict triggers and patterns
- 5. Keep positive changes going
- 6. Communicate
- 7. Seek counseling
- 8. Learn to say sorry
- 9. Go away for a bit
- 10. Keep the past where it belongs
- 11. Keep your faith
- 12. Make your needs clear
- 13. Create intimacy
- 14. Take measures to avoid conflicts
- 15. Do things together
1. Divorce is not the solution
Often, many couples divorce to escape a relationship that is loveless-hoping to seek a more satisfying life alone or with someone else. However, many of these goals are not obtained through divorce. While some divorced people do go on to enhance their lives; others pay a higher price than anticipated. So divorce should be looked upon as the last resort,after all options have been exhausted.
2. Learn to love the one you are with
Try and remember why you fell in love with your partner. Remember the good times and do not just think about how your partner has changed. Many people seem to fall out of love because they stop working on their marriage. They look for greener pastures when all that they seek is already with them. So learn to love your partner no matter how s/he looks or has changed over the years. Of course, if there is physical abuse, then one must seek help. If you feel threatened or feel your life is in danger, then there is no reason to continue. However, if there are no major issues and you just feel there is no spark left; then understand that you are not going to find the same elsewhere.
3. Change your marriage by changing yourself
You cannot change your spouse. But you can definitely change yourself. So work on yourself. Go out with friends. Work out at the gym. Take a course to improve your work skills. These things will give you confidence. And when you feel happy and confident in the world outside, your spouse might take a renewed look at you.
4. Identify conflict triggers and patterns
Most marital conflicts happen over and over due to the same reason/s. Try to avoid those triggers and look for patterns which work in your favor. The key is to keep peace in the house. Your kids certainly do not want to listen to your fights and arguments. So keep calm. If you feel certain triggers or patterns coming on, try to change them or avoid them. If needed, go for a walk-silence is always better than saying something which you will later regret for sure. You must break habits and set interventions when repetitive destructive patterns strike.
5. Keep positive changes going
Whatever positive changes are helping, stick at them. Perhaps working out and exercising helps you stay calm. So try not to skip exercise. Schedule your timing so that you can avoid getting in each other’s way; especially when things are heated. Once things cools off, try to re-establish communication.
Talking always helps. Make sure you present your side calmly and also listen to the other side. Try to come up with solutions that will help you seek the best way to stop divorce.
7. Seek counseling
You cannot do it all alone. Sometimes when you are not able to find the best way to stop divorce, you may want to seek professional help. A marriage counselor can help you communicate peacefully and also encourage you to arrive at a solution.
8. Learn to say sorry
Sorry is a powerful word. If you have made a mistake, admit it. Try to change things and truly mean what you say. Do not let your ego come in the way.
9. Go away for a bit
A change of scene is just what you and your partner need to add the sparks back into the marriage. Often the daily nitty gritty of life, kids and household responsibilities take priority which impacts the marriage negatively. So from time to time, book a weekend getaway so you can reconnect with each other. Even weekly date nights can help. A little bit of romance goes a long way.
10. Keep the past where it belongs
Never bring up your spouse’s past mistakes again and again. Learn to keep them in the past-for that is where they belong. Do not say “You committed such and such a mistake”. Instead say “A mistake has happened” and move on. Your spouse is a human being and humans are bound to make mistakes. You must rebuild trust and learn to love again.
11. Keep your faith
God and religion are actually known to help many couples avoid divorce. Even a small amount of faith can help you. Move closer to the divine during this trying time. Make the effort. Take a few action steps and the rest He will do!
12. Make your needs clear
Marriage involves give and take. It involves mutual respect for each other and trust. Also it involves physical and emotional give and take. Always be the first to ask your spouse “What can I do for you?” Of course there may be a time when your spouse is emotionally unavailable, cold and distant. Try talking things out to see if it helps. The same goes for physical needs-if there is sex addiction on his part or decreased libido on hers, get them to seek medical help for it. Tell him/her where you draw boundaries and where you have reached your limits.
13. Create intimacy
Humans crave intimacy. It is all we want but we are often too proud to ask for. Charm your partner’s heart. Give more, love more. Make yourself indispensable. Create love beyond words.
14. Take measures to avoid conflicts
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be loved? The key to never arguing again is to consciously avoid conflicts. Speak the truth but look for ways to create harmony and peace.
15. Do things together
Spend time with each other in the best possible way-by serving others or helping those in need. Get involved in the church or community centers and help out or volunteer to enrich lives around you. If you love art or music, do things involved in that together. When you create something, you will naturally feel closer as a couple.
These 15 ways will certainly help you avoid divorce or at least help you keep peace at home.