‘Loves me, loves me not….loves me, loves me not’…Gone are the times when finding love or choosing the right partner was all about getting the right petal. These days, finding love and, more importantly, maintaining love is extremely complex thanks to our complex lifestyles. If you are confused about the factors to consider in choosing a lifetime partner then the following tips will help you find the best life partner:
1. Avoid long distance relationships
Before marriage, try to live in the same city as your intended. Communication through texts, emails and telephone calls is not enough as you cannot truly understand your partner this way.
2. Get proper information about your intended
Do a complete background check especially when choosing a life partner in arranged marriage. Never be hasty; seek counsel, ask relevant questions and even search social media for your intended’s profile. Do not be misled or make assumptions about a person’s character simply by virtue of his or her position.
3. Develop maturity first
Before choosing the right partner for marriage, you must also have the maturity to handle the relationship. It is important to reach the right age, get the financial stability and acquire emotional skills to handle the relationship. Meet people, get a job, travel and take on responsibilities of different kinds to develop maturity, communication skills and other life skills.
4. Identify flaws of a partner during courtship; not in marriage
There is a saying that goes like ‘it is better to have broken relationship rather than broken marriage’. Try to identify your intended spouse’s flaws during courtship-the ones you can cope with and the ones you cannot. Some people consciously ignore the warning signs during the romance period only to divorce later. This is an important factor to consider when choosing the right man or woman to marry.
5. Do not rush into marriage
There is a thin line between love and lust. Never rush into marriage just because you find someone very attractive. It is better to be single and alive than married and miserable. Take things slow. Truly get to know your intended. Do not rush into something that may be big enough to crush you.
6. Love yourself first – unconditionally
You cannot give from an empty cup. In the airplanes, there is always a sign saying-wear your own mask first before helping others. The same is true in case of relationships. You cannot save or fulfill someone until your cup is full. So love yourself unconditionally. Accept all your flaws, forgive all your mistakes. Start each morning by looking into the mirror and saying ‘I love you’ to your reflection. This is not narcissism. It is the only way to get someone to love you deeply and fully.
7. Listen to your parents
Our parents may be old fashioned but their counsel and advice can come in very handy when choosing the right partner for marriage. Parental consent is also important when you wish to find best life partner. Parents are instruments of God’s guidance. They also know you well and can help you make a choice when you feel confused or in doubt. Sometimes, when you are in love, your judgment can get clouded. This is where parents can help guide you.
8. Meet his/her family
A marriage is not only the union of two souls; it is also the union of two families. Always ask to meet the siblings and parents of the intended. Spend some time with them to discover what they believe in and how they live. Do not marry someone at a short notice and especially before meeting the rest of the family.
9. Do you respect each other?
Marriage works only when there is mutual respect. It is not a walk in the park. Marriage can only work when a woman feels loved and a man feels respected. If, during courtship, your intended demeans you, then it is likely that s/he would do the same after marriage. There cannot be submission if there’s no respect and there cannot be love where there’s no submission.
10. Consider your expectations before marriage
Before going to the altar, get a stock of each other’s expectations. Do you both want kids? How important is sex to you both? Are your financial goals aligned? Are you willing to share household responsibilities? If you have conflicting expectations, you are more likely to experience more problems in marriage.
11. Consider compatibility
The following questions can help you find that out:
- Have you taken the time to get to know each other?
- Do you share similar goals, values and expectations?
- Are there any red flags- anger issues, sexual quirks, finance related problems etc?
- Can you really communicate with him/her?
- Are you both flexible/adaptable?
- Are you both positive and optimistic or do you pull each other down?
12. Issues to discuss with a potential partner
There are many common issues that lead to divorce as they are often overlooked during courtship:
- Communication issues
- Incompatibility
- Not sure how to handle finances
- Past trauma and hardships, unresolved issues
- Existence of premarital relationships and kids
- Dissimilar views about whether to have kids or not
- Conflict with in laws
- Lack of love
- Busy schedules and tiredness stemming from that
- Adultery
- Jealousy
- Temptation
- Inability to forgive
- Large age gap
- Addictions to pornography, masturbation, drugs, alcohol
- Immaturity and irresponsibility
- Different faiths/beliefs or atheism
- Lust and greed
13. Consider asking these vital questions
Please consider the following factors when choosing a lifetime partner:
Finances
- Are you a saver/spender?
- Can we talk about money?
- Do you consider going to the movies/annual vacation a necessity or luxury?
- What are your financial investments/goals?
Kids/parenting
- Do you want to have kids? If yes, how many?
- What is your parenting philosophy?
- What are your thoughts about the woman quitting her job to look after kids?
Faith
- Do you think spirituality/religion have an importance in life?
- What is your image of God?
Background
- What was your childhood like?
- Do you like/dislike anything about your family?
- What are your favorite holiday traditions?
Love/affection
- How do you express love/affection?
- What are your personal boundaries?
- How comfortable are you expressing love in public?
Future goals/career
- Where do you see us in the next 5-10 years?
- Do we share similar goals/likes/interests?
- What do you do in your free time?
Communication
- Do we communicate well?
- Do we understand each other?
- If I had a problem, would you help me deal with it?
- Can we be intimately honest with each other?
- Why did your other relationships end?
- Are you in touch with your ex?
- Do we handle conflicts well?
- Can you forgive?
- Who do you respect the most? Why?
Friends
- Who are your friends? Can I meet them?
- Can I go on friends only trips with my friends? Could I go on night outs with them?
- Do you need time alone?
- Can I pursue other interests?
There are many factors to consider when choosing a mate for marriage. We hope these tips help you decide and make the right choice.